Dennis’ email:

Below is a link to an interview with my niece Karen and her partner Marcye. They and their kids are a wonderful part of our family. They have been litigants for equal treatment of gay couples in New Jersey for the last several years. The recent NJ supreme court decision has allowed more people to come to know them. Perhaps this video can help put a face on unity for some folks in our community.

The above is an email a coworker sent to the whole university community. I share with him the concern, compassion, love and unity we should have toward our homosexual brothers and sisters. I would like, though, to look at this issue from another point of view. I would like first to talk about our brothers and sisters who have same-sex attraction; second the issue of children and divorce; third some statistics from the American Psychological Association in favor of same sex unions; fourth, same-sex unions and parenting and finally I would like to conclude with a call to unity.

Our brothers and sisters

I, myself, have one brother and one sister who have same-sex attractions and I love them so dearly. They are close to my heart. My sister has chosen to live a life of chastity. My brother has chosen to live his homosexual lifestyle. They both are beautiful human beings. My brother lived with a partner for a number of years until his boyfriend died of AIDS. AIDS still exists today even if the media has not covered the issue lately. My brother was with his partner until the end. This takes courage and commitment. I admire this. Now, my brother lives with another partner. We do not see them often because they live out of state. Last time we had them was on the 4th of July and we had a great time. His partner is fun. He is professional, intelligent, easy to get along with, he loves kids and kids love him. It was a pleasure to have him out at our picnic and we hope that, next time they are up in the Philadelphia area we can have them for dinner again.

Children and Divorce

I was divorced about 20 years ago. We received co-custody and our daughter was with me two weeks and then went to her mother for the next two weeks and then she would be back again. I raised her as a single parent for a few years, then I remarried. My ex-wife never remarried and therefore we can truly say that she raised our daughter as a single parent. It’s not easy to raise a child as a single parent. I can thank her here, publicly: she is a beautiful and wonderful mother. Our daughter is the most adjusted and happy person you would want to meet. She is better adjusted than many people who come from intact families. But I also know that somehow, even though she has healed, somewhere there is a scar. No child from a divorced family comes without a scar. Hers has healed better than anyone I know but I also know that even healed it is still there. She is proof that children of divorce are resilient and single parents can do a beautiful job of raising happy children. But I also know that divorce is not the ideal family life for a child.

American Psychological Association

In a briefing sheet about same-sex families and relationships the APA has come out in favor of same-sex unions. They say:

“Yes, survey data indicate that between 40% and 60% of gay men and between 45% and 80% of lesbians are currently involved in a committed relationship. In addition, between 18% and 28% of gay couples and 8% and 21% of lesbian couples have lived together 10 years or more.”

I am not a psychologist and I am not a statistician. So let me see if I understand these figures correctly. It says that they are in favor of same-sex unions because their survey shows 40 to 80% of homosexuals are currently involved in a committed relationship and 8 to 28% have lived together for 10 years or more.

Is this a hoax? Are they joking? I thought the APA was a serious, scientific community of professionals. They dare publish a survey showing figures where the margin of error between the low end and high end is 40% and propose that as a rational basis for public discussion? Which professor would accept a student proposing a thesis based on that kind of shoddy data?

I will not dignify these figures by giving you the web site address of this brief. But it is easily found on their web site for those who want to verify. I have a bad habit of reading between the lines, especially when reading surveys. Between the lines, this is telling me that at best 80% of homosexuals say they are in a committed relationship, which is defined here as a relationship that lasts less than 10 years. Between the lines, this is also telling me that at worst 8 % and at best 28% of couples have succeeded staying in a relationship for more than ten years. In other words 72 to 92% of homosexual couples do breakup within 10 years. If we are going to speak of marriage for same-sex unions then we must speak of divorce for same-sex disunion. The APA survey shows that same-sex unions will have a divorce rate of 72 to 92% within 10 years, compared to the general population divorce rate of 33% within 10 years (see the CDC page at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/02news/div_mar_cohab.htm).

Parenting

If we are going to have same-sex marriage we have to be prepared to have same-sex divorce. I understand also the physical and emotional need of having children. But by definition same-sex partners cannot have children springing from their physical union. Therefore we must think also about artificial insemination and adoption issues. First let me say emphatically that when a homosexual has become a parent by a previous union neither society nor congress nor the courts have any right WHATSOEVER to take custody away from any parent, homosexual or not. That is a human right issue. I have said above and I maintain that single parents can be good parents and nobody has the right to break the UNION between parent and child.

That said, if a couple chooses insemination instead of adoption, we know that it takes 10 embryos to find a viable one. In other words 9 embryonic human beings will die on a petri dish to satisfy someone else’s wants. That’s an unacceptable price. Similarly, as a matter of public policy it is hard for me to understand how we can justify same-sex parents the right to adoption. It is not that there is anything wrong with same-sex parents. As I said before, my sister, my brother and his partner are beautiful human beings and they are entitled to all equal civil rights. When it comes to adoption the issue is not the civil rights of the beautiful, considerate, loving persons who are my brothers and sisters. The issue is the welfare of the child. Let me make this point loud and clear. The issue is the WELFARE OF THE CHILD.

Keeping in mind that 72 to 92% of same-sex marriages will end up in divorce within 10 years there is no societal, personal or emotional benefit to move a child from an orphaned situation to a divorced situation (except of course for lawyers and therapists). The problem with the APA brief is that it obscures the issues by taking a pseudo-scientific approach (survey). They could have said: we believe that there is no intrinsic difference between homosexual unions and heterosexual unions. That would have been acceptable. Instead they chose to cloud their subjective opinion and propose it as a basis for an “informed” debate. That’s not acceptable. That’s not information, that’s deception.

Conclusion

I, myself, I have known the pain of conflict in my parents marriage. I have known, personally, the pain of divorce in my marriage. I have known the pain of solitude and disunion. I do not know, however, the pain of unfulfilled same-sex attraction. But I imagine what same-sex partners go through and I sympathize with them. Is homosexuality normal? Yes. Is it a psychological disorder? No. Are homosexuals different than heterosexuals? No. Should they be treated with dignity? Yes. Should we love them? Yes. So what’s wrong with same-sex union? It’s called the fallen human nature. We all suffer from it and we are all brothers and sisters UNITED in it. The true call and the true warrant of unity is this. No, it’s not the Supreme Court of New Jersey. It’s called com-UNION in Christ through the CROSS.

PS:
Okay, okay, this is the page where one can find the APA brief http://www.apa.org/ppo/issues/lgbfamilybrf604b.html
Notes:Life as a Child in a Gay Household:
Catholic Answers: http://www.catholic.com/audio/2007/MP3/ca070108b.mp3
Dawn Stefanowicz (author’s web site): http://www.dawnstefanowicz.com/
Courage (support group for persons with same sex attraction): http://www.couragerc.net/