MAGGIE

I come from a family of 12 - very secure with two parents who are crazy about each other! Life was quite hectic with schedules and lists, being “bored” was not allowed! With 11 other strong personalities the word communication was something I could spell, but did not practice, I tended to blend in. My nickname in the family was “little angel” but I had preservation in mind. My motto was take action, DO the chores and tasks willingly, and avoid unnecesary discussion by taking action. This made me the “perfect” and model person.

My mother was in charge, my father loved us all and let Mom be in charge. I never noticed that he suffered from this fact, I know in their private times they discussed everything. In our family there was always discussions about every subject on earth but NOT individual feelings. We talked about events, books and issues but not about ourselves. The motto growing up as a young child was Thumpers line in Bambi , ” If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all”! I learned much later in my life, just how much my family had mastered avoidance of close to the heart issues. So as this “nice” busy and active person , God gave me Giuseppe to straighten out this matter of the art of communication.

Giuseppe and I met each other in 1985. I had been widowed very young after being married for a brief 3 1/2 years. I remained single for 9 years and then met Giuseppe. I had a daughter from my marriage and Giuseppe had a daughter from his first marriage. We did not get married for obscure reasons that neither one of us can recall, and after two years of dating we decided to live together. We moved away from my family one hour away into what I thought was my ultimate dream situation, living with the true love of my life albiet in an un-married state. Our decision on where to live was based solely on a joint custody arrangement Giuseppe had with his daughter. She lived with us for one week and with her mother the next. One of the things I admired most with Giuseppe was the depth of his commitment to this goal, leaving his family, friends and country and personally raise his daughter without family support around him. I would learn that admiring and living a commitment can mean many different things. We eventually married in the Catholic Church 4 years ago , I call it a journey of faith and learning what true commitment is about.

GIUSEPPE

As Catholics we believe that we have to be born again to enter the Kingdom of God but we do not believe that it has to be a one point in time, unique conversion experience. But if ever I had to pin point a time when I had made a conscious decision to come back home to my faith this would be the time. I wanted to do what was right in God’s eyes. After a secular marriage and then a divorce I made a conscious decision that I wanted to find a Catholic woman who would share the Catholic values about marriage. It was a journey home to the Lord but it was a long and slow one, as we lived in sin for 7 years.

MAGGIE

Communication was our weakness that we struggled with for 7 years, along with the journey of re-capturing our faith and seeking the Lord’s blessing as a married couple.

Within that 7 year time span we weathered two serious periods of un-employment with Giuseppe going thru 3-4 totally different career changes. I had allowed my job to become a major stress on the family. We were challenged with court and support issues even though Giuseppe was taking care of his daughter equally with her mother. We weathered a bankruptcy plus one cancelled wedding ( ours ) AFTER all the invitations were sent out.

My heart wanted to be compassionate, but my words and actions were not. I asked God for the answer, his reply was ” Love each other “. We started our journey to seek answers by turning back towards our faith that we were brought up with and started to heal. I thought at first that this was too simplistic but a certain peace started to settle within, instead of re-acting I started to respond.

HOW WE SOLVED OUR PROBLEM

We started to solve our communication problems when I realized what my own weaknesses were. These areas were not created by Giuseppe, his personality or actions, I was responsible for these areas. I stopped focusing on what was wrong with Gisueppe and took a good look at myself! I laid our relationship at the feet of the Lord and finally said, Your way NOT my way Lord show me how and start with me.

My first and biggest weakness was NOT taking the time TO LISTEN to Giuseppe. I simply did not allow the time and would not understand why he was upset. After all things were getting done were they not? It bewildered me that he could not see how busy I was.

The next weakness was MY understanding of how to ackowledge another persons feelings and saying I’m Sorry. In my family feelings were acknowledged in private, alone, by yourself. One would work out all the unfairness alone. I assumed that the other person knew that I was sorry . I had completely mastered that no matter how bad the hurt I would forgive AND forget and go on. My nature as the eternal optomist had always been rewarded prior so what was the matter with Giuseppe? We could talk for hours and both of us would come away feeling totally unfufilled and still angry. Even after saying I was sorry he never believed me, this was the hardest area for me to understand about WHAT I needed to change. I needed to change my heart, not who I was as a person but my heart inside.

GIUSEPPE

Now this is very important to me. I’ll even give you a short background here. We are a family of 3 brothers. In my family the children were raised with “good manners”; you say: “please”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome” and “I’m sorry”. But my parents had a lot of marital problems and I never heard them apologize to us or to each other. I decided that this would never happen in my home. Yes, that’s so important to me that I do expect to hear an apology as well as if ever I was wrong I would apologize, even to my children.

MAGGIE

My third weakness was my quick tongue, I had an answer for EVERYTHING and usually wanted no replies, I was too busy after all and what was the matter with Giuseppe? I could not wait for him to get done his part of the conversation so the I could set everything right and defend my issues.

I made several important decisions to change the communication patterns:

1) I would listen without needing to make a response JUST LISTEN
2) I would think before speaking about the tone and quality of my voice- answers to simple
Questions in casual conversation ……..what did I sound like to the other person ?
3) I would sincerely say I’m sorry and ackowledge the others persons feelings EVEN if I thought That this was NOT necessary by my standards. I emphasize here the need to be sincere from the heart AND adjust to the other persons standards.

GIUSEPPE

Well, it’s true that Maggie had a hard time to stay still long enough to listen, and that she would be slow to apologize, and that she was quick tempered. But the one thing I had a problem with was the lack of apology, or when there was an apology it was not given immediately or it was given to appease me. The wrong tone of voice, for the wrong issue, at the wrong time. See, there is an art to apology and Maggie had to learn that art and of course I was the one who was going to teach her. See, you can be sorry for something you did wrong, or you can be sorry for something you didn’t mean to do, or a you can be sorry for something not because you were wrong, not because you didn’t mean to do it, but just because your spouse is hurt. Your spouse might be the one who is wrong not you, but you can still apologize because it’s a way to acknowledge his or her feelings.

Maggie had a hard time with this and it’s such a simple concept though. Right? Right!

My problem was that I was right and I knew I was right. The problem with being right is that there is no way to reason with a person who is right: what is there to reason?

So I was right and Maggie was wrong. We had established that. But where did that leave us? Nowhere. We were still arguing, nothing was being resolved and our feelings were still as hurt as before. And I could not understand what was wrong.

I had all the right techniques: I told the truth, how I really felt, and I felt worse than if I had kept it in, and I was alienating Maggie in the process. I had to learn that there is more than being right. Being right makes you proud, selfish and self-centered. I was right but our relationship was dying. I had to give up being right or give up our relationship. And that came by understanding that there had to be a better way.

St. Paul says in 1CO 13:4 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. [5] It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. [6] Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. [7] It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

By being right I had every one of them wrong: I was not patient, I was not kind. I was boosting and I was proud. I was rude and self-seeking. I was easily angered and I kept records of Maggie’s wrongs.

Let me use an analogy. You are at a traffic light. The light turns green and you get ready to go. On the other street a truck is coming and its light is red. You know the truck is going to run the red light. Being right is like you deciding to go ahead anyway because your light is green. You might have the right of way, you might be right, but you’re going to get hit.

You can be right and dead at the same time.

MAGGIE - Conclusion

Listening is not painful now and actually at times is a great joy. Knowing that we can agree to dis-agree and not fall apart or create huge battles is a relief. Sharing with each other has become easier………….. Are we perfect now? Of course not, far from it. Are there still issues that come up? Certainly, every single day, but I will not bore you with the list.

Now when I say I’m sorry, I mean it from the heart because I hurt the other person, not to get an “issue” out of the way. Giuseppe and I did not accomplish this alone, please do not think we credit ourselves with overcomming the problems. I truly believe that God spoke to Giuseppe to Love first and then He spoke to me, to listen and learn to love in return. I thank God every day that he was with us, before and after our marriage vows.

GIUSEPPE - Conclusion

In a round-about way my problem was very similar to Maggie’s. It was about who was right and who was wrong and I as I was right I was not going to give in. In a way it was a power struggle.

I had to learn that power and righteousness can destroy a marriage. Also I had to understand that by being more sensitive to Maggie and by giving up my power trip I was not giving in to Maggie nor was I giving up anything.

I had to switch my perception and understand that I was instead giving of myself. And that’s really what marriage is all about.